Chapter 26

– And then I realized that to be more Alive, I had to be less Afraid, So I did it I lost my Fear and gained my Whole life – Unknown-                           

 

Today I am 26 years old, a whole 26 years old wooooow… I cannot believe it, I have been honestly dreading turning 26, I just wanted to chill and be 25 for a cool minute. I feel like when you get to 26 you are officially an ADULT you cannot get away with anything, you cannot do silly things but at this moment I feel like I am having a quarter life crisis, I want to do all the things I never got to do as a kid, I want to break out, I want to be more adventurous and get out of my comfort zones, did I tell you I also want to jump out of a plane to concur my fear of heights? Really Esther? Yeah I am being soo damn serious… yeah quarter life crisis me thinks.

Its crazy because I have been having so much anxiety these past couple months, I have been having this magical invisible clock that’s been ticking and counting down the days until I hit 26. My anxiety has been magnified by the sudden pressures I have been putting on myself and also the pressures of external voices be it Family, Friends, Colleagues, Social media, TV etc. I have let their thoughts, voices and opinions take up abode in my mind. My mind is always racing with so many ideas on what I got to do, finding my purpose, you still single where is your man?, when are you getting married?, when are you getting your own house?, when are you getting a car?, what career path do you want to take? what is next? your’re 26 the clocks ticking when do you think you gonna have these kids? you name it the list is endless, I have been drowning and stressing my mind over.

Reflections…

Life does not always turn out the way we expect it to, Life is like a roller coaster you never know when the next turn is going to come, when the next high or low is going to rise and fall. Life has its ups and downs and its our job not to let the obstacles, tests and trials that we go through consume us to the point where we dread living, and I don’t mean this to the point where you would want to kill yourself, I mean LIVING, being ALIVE because you can still be alive but dead inside and that is one of the worst spaces to be in.  They say comparison is the thief of joy and me comparing my life to everyone around me is robbing me of my joy, we are all on different journeys and our routes are not supposed to be the same.

Life is not a sprint but a marathon people and society will put all these pressures on you so you feel like you have to sprint through seasons to try and catch up with everyone else. YOU DON’T!!! your job is to not give them the power to inflict their desires and opinions on you. God should be the number one voice you should let abode in your mind. Whenever you feel pressured, worried, anxious he’s always there to let you know that there is nothing you have to worry about he’s plans are always awesome and all you have to do is cast your cares unto him 1 PETER 5:7 ‘Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you’.                                                     

Yes I may be 26 but I don’t have to have it all figured out by now, I am where I am supposed to be for a reason and I need to live in this moment,  I cannot go through life dwelling on the what if’s or if only’s I need to think about this moment and what I can do from here on.

Gratitude…

I remember this time last year my life took the ultimate u turn , I had planned so much for my 25th birthday, I remember I had my driving test that week, I had booked a really nice meal at Gauchos to celebrate with my friends, so many things, I was on a physical high, mental high and a spiritual high, life was great. But I couldn’t have prepared myself for what was about to happen to me, in fact no one could have prepared me for this, my health took a drastic turn for the worst and I ended up in hospital it took my body about 4 to 5 months to get back to normal but even then my body was still not 100%. I will expand about this in another blog post, but my point is there is so much I have to be grateful for despite everything that has happened this past year I have been blessed to see 26.

Sometimes we get so caught up with what is going on around us that in hindsight we fail to look at the small things and show gratitude towards them, there are so many people who did not live to see 26 and I should be grateful that the Lord has carried me this far, things could have taken a turn for the worst but by God’s grace and favour they did not, I am Alive, I am Breathing, and I still have a purpose to fulfill on this earth.

Trust…

Even though sometimes I may feel like life’s moving slow or my path is not turning out like others I need to trust God he knows what he’s doing because hes God. Jeremiah 29:11 says ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’. This verse has been my verse this past year but it some how slowly turned into a chant that I was just saying, I lost the feeling of what this verse really meant. When I started doubting and allowed fear and anxiety to get a hold of me the meaning of this verse was no longer etched in my heart, I had this light and fire in me that had been burning for so long and some how it was put out and I had been going through the motions trying to relight it back up.

The thing is I should have meditated more on Jeremiah 29:11 and instead of panicking and trying to juggle everything at once, I should have put all my eggs in Gods basket and stopped trying to pick up some eggs out of it in hopes that I may be able to fix somethings that I thought God couldn’t fix. I am learning to let go and let God do his thing and even if I do make mistakes God has a way of always rerouting you back on track, you gain so much peace and joy when you learn to have Faith and Trust more.

Philippians 4:6-7Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

I just want to encourage anyone who has anxiety over their future, who is not sure what the future holds, who is going through tests, trials and tribulations, life just doesn’t seem to be going the way you planned and you feel like your world is falling apart.  I want you all to know that Fear, worry and anxiety over the future are not your potion, but Joy, Peace, and more Love are your potion. Learn to silence the voices that society and people try to impose on your life and continue to increase the voice of God in your life. Renew your mind on a daily basis on the good and endless things God has promised you.

That is how you relight the fire that has been put out by the worries of the world 

 

 

Romans 12: 2 ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.’

 

 

 

 

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